Paulie tries to the best of his abilities to recount an article about the top ten sex records in the world

I was a little bit high when I read this article last night. Let's see what I remember.

I will try not to bring personal info into this list. I will try really really hard.

1. Biggest Dick

Okay, so it seems like the biggest one on record is 14.5" and the largest living one--or, I guess, the largest one on someone who is alive--is 13.5".

Right. So. That's, like, really big. 13 and a half inches isn't a lot of inches when you're talking about most things, like trees or children or whatever, but you get out your ruler and then really think about that.

Shit

Is

Ridiculous

At that point, it really is an extra limb. It's not a joke, and it can hurt you.

2. Biggest Vagina

I don't know what this one means.

Okay, but. Listen. There was something about a 26 pound baby and its skull, and the vagina was 19"? I guess that means around? Circumference? Like . . . I don't know what it was talking about.

It was on a giant(ess), who was like 7 feet tall, and, to be honest, I feel like that's cheating. I mean, kudos to her, but obviously you are going to win. Because you are a giant.

3. Strongest Vagina

This is frightening, but some lady can lift like thirty something pounds with her vagina.

This also means that she can probably turn your cock into pâté.

4. Longest Masturbating Session (male)

I feel like it's kind of obvious that this one's from Japan. What other country would hold an annual Jerk-Off-A-Thon [not its real name] so people can try to break this record?

Anyway so some dude thought about baseball for a little over 9 and a half hours.

I don't like thinking about that.

5. The Most Sexual Relations In One Day (or something like that)

This one lady at this orgy thing had sex with 910 men, I think, in a day. Or 24 hours or something.

My record is 3.

Moving on.

6. Biggest Orgy

500 people. Obviously Japan's doing. They organise these sorts of things all the time???

7. The Jizz Race
I couldn't think of the official title of this record, so I came up with one on my own. But some guy evidently can ejaculate a distance of EIGHTEEN FEET.

I know, you thought that one time a few years ago was really impressive, and then some asshole is like "Oh, yeah, 18 feet? NBD."

The same guy also holds the record for the fastest jizz shooting (what are the official terms for this?!), which is 47 mph.

At this point, you give up any hope of being a side show in a really disturbing kind of circus and face the fact that your jizz is going to get you nowhere in life.

8. Something about a gang bang?

I can't remember this one.

9. Something about babies?

hmmmm... yeah...

10. Oldest Dad

90 years old.

Ew?


THAT'S IT TA-DAH!