Science with Paulie: Sir Isaac Newton, Golddigger

My buddy Boanus mentioned yesterday how awful it would be if I had anything to do with talking about science, seeing how it is a topic, much like pokemon, that I know nothing about. And so in light of that and my love of getting in way over my head, I am switching up the posting around here by blogging about science. 

This is going to be just one post of hopefully a few (five?) in which I talk completely from memory about things I can kind of count as science, or at least apply the term 'science' conceptually to.

Okay, that's bullshit I'm already planning about talking about Henry VIII and that sure as fuck is not science. But I'm going to call it science because it's, like, facts or whatever. History/Science? One of em I majored in! The other I definitely did not.

Here's your first installation of Science with Paulie.

✵✷✶ SIR ISAAC NEWTON ✶✷✵

This guy was a scientist with some great hair.

look at those locks! these bitches be flowing like rivers

His hair alone is possibly an overlooked science in itself. Like, have you ever been to the 17th century? Bad bad hair. Bad hair. And somehow, this guy managed to not look like an insane cocker spaniel. Even though, like, maybe he was a bit crazy. Cause you can only have so much smart without some series issues elsewhere. There's only so much brain to go around, right?

So I dunno, I guess he did the gravity thing. That's what he's famous for, and that's what we learn about in school as kids. Apples = Isaac Newton / Johnny Appleseed. It's science. It's gravity! Which is still somehow pretty much just a theory technically or something? Even though gravity is pretty hard to disprove. I dunno. I don't waste my time with this shit, but I'm also not like floating in the air right now. So who knows what the deal is. Probably no one.

Then he figured out rainbows and studied the bible... and after that, that's when he stopped dicking around and got into the really good stuff.

You see, he developed this cool theory that all those old Greco-Roman myths were actually alchemical codes. Yeah! And so he got into alchemy, guided by ancient codes that would help him turn things into other things. Like basically gold, I think, is the point of alchemy. And good hair? Hair serums. For vitality and luster.

Luckily for him, alchemy wasn't really considered that dodgy back at the end of the 17th century. It was kind of just like early chemistry because of the whole bunsen burners and... solvents and things. Sulfur. Fire. But it was pretty legit, so while he was kinda hermity and steeped in the occult and obsessing over finding codes in things that aren't codes, I don't think he got any hate, really. I mean, you gotta let weirdos do their thing for a while cause one day they're gonna bust out of that room and be like hey--GRAVITY and hey--COLORS and shit and you're gonna be like WOW what am I doing with my life? Why am I a well-adjusted human being with a social life?? I'm contributing nothingggggg.

There are some rumors that he totally did succeed in turning lead into gold. I know we can do it now, but it turns out to be so expensive that it's totally a waste of time/money/etc, so if Newton could do it way back when, Good Job. And thank you for gravity. I can't imagine this beautiful world without it.

these are his coat of arms! which I am super jealous of cause bones are so classy

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If you have any 'science' suggestions, please throw them my way in the comments or on twitter. I need help. Like... a lot of it.

RUUUDE

all i know is i didn't do the screenshot post on sunday cause i was busy having a Life, and i have like an entire metric fuckton of screenshots on my desktop right now and i just i just gotta do it i gotta get rid of these things.

so!

♃ SCREENSHOTS ♃

week of march 11-17

important emails

this one i thought was weird cause it's like GOD 1ST and then CUMMED UP

i think..... this was from an account that like randomly RT'd me or something? fuck i have no idea.

i think the problem with this past week was i dropped (too much) acid on thursday (i thought it was friday) and like... i just don't

know

anymore

/???????

APPLE SPELLCHECK IS NOT AN ALLY

FUCK U

jk idc

this one is kinda old tho

i was going to get the dvds of season 2 of game of thrones but the list was 252 PEOPLE LONG

so i watched it on the Internet, like someone living in 2013

and it was so good!

although the ending was, like, kinda lackluster

these bots are getting out of hand

and THESE? they are RUINING MY LIFE

like half of my interactions on twitter anymore are one of these sex bots favoriting a random tweet and it's making me want to lock my account

you know that "make shitty quotes people share on facebook bearable" game by replacing a word with dick(s)?

this one stumped me

i couldn't do it

 good review good job

facebook conversations

and this status.... the girl that posted it... i like cannot remember who she is.

but this... i have no idea. i still have no idea what it is trying to say.

 footnotes!

more important things shared on facebook

and lastly, april--you remember her! she is one of my exes and she contact me on facebook, and then well, this.

haha

HAVE A GOOD WEEK, GUYS

SHIT, NETFLIX, DENIAL

this is your screenshot post for the week!

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as i see it, netflix is kind of like facebook these days : utter diarrhea shit, but everyone still uses it

(that doesn't make sense i know)

(aside: i have a really bad headache rn and i am p sure i have a brain tumor and am dying so pls treasure this post cause it might be my last)

netflix seems to have a kinda strange opinion of me... the thing you may not realise about netflix, is even when you browse categories, they arrange them by, like, recommendations, which is why it seems like there aren't ever any movies to watch ever and you keep on seeing the same twenty five movies or so like a fevered nightmare.

and to me, it seems like there are about three tiers to the way netflix arranges categories via interest: the top tier, which are films which you may actually be interested in, someday, after you've like watched angel all the way through for the third time or something.

(ugh seriously though who wants to watch what netflix tells you to watch?)

then there's the second tier. the films that start to get a bit sketchy... the ones that pulse under the surface, trying trying to get you to watch them.

welcome to my second tier:

i just don't... understand this

(these are all 'indie films' evidently)

(also there were more but like there are only so many i.... i just can't)

netflix does seem to have a sense of humor, however

biography?

i don't have a joke for this it's just scary

this is what happens when you look at everything ordered A-Z

no, all of the barney films did not fit on the screen

but nothing really comes close to the 'special interest' category of netflix.

have you browsed this?

let me just show you real quick:

that's the entire category

beer, shakespeare, a man-from-war-torn-uganda, and sacred lovemaking.

(i really recommend reading the reviews to that one because it's just really funny)

and speaking of reviews, something magical happens when you start taking things away from teenagers. mainly teens who want to watch a certain few seasons of (the uk version of) skins, which have been removed from instant play

first they get sad

"i can't even"

and a bit confused

some turn to denial

or anger

"10 dollers"

and NAME CALLING

(netflix = faggots)

before

just

collapsing

and that, my dear friends, is all i have for you this week.

KISS ME WHERE I PEE (GUEST POST BY BOANUS & HAILADIES)

Here It Is! another screen shot guest post this time by the mighty Boanus! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL cause this guest post has IT'S OWN guest poster in it, and that is @hailadies! she did some writing and some DRAWINGS FOR US!!!

i can barely handle it.

here are your screenshots for the week.

☛ S C R E E N S H O T S ☚

Hey everyone, this is Boanus from Twitter. As Paulie's e-brother i have taken it upon myself to annotate his dumb stupid screenshots because i love him. I am not good at this sort of pattering nonsense so let's get right to it, shall we?

These cakes man... they are like... chocolate and sponge? The filenames are "dodgy_as_fuck_sponge" and "dodgy_as_fuck_sponge_2" but i fail to see what is so dodgy about them. Paulie, i love you, but you messed up. Let me fix this for you:

I want to remind all the viewers here that Paulie knows jack shit about Pokémon and therefore cannot pass judgment. For us Pokémon masters (full Pokédexes in generation IV!!) we can proudly say that this person is clearly worth hiring/dating/commissioning for building a cathedral/teaming up with in a battle royale. But wait... this looks like a tumblr screenshot. I feel like shouting "for shame, Paulie. For shame!"  

These kinds of screenshots only perpetuate the constant stream of bullshit that rains upon tumblr in abundance, a profusion of the foul, myriad feces. < - THIS IS A GILGAMESH REFERENCE AND I'M REALLY FUCKING PROUD OF IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL JUST BABYLON AND ON UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS ME TO SHUT UP

Anyway, i already found a Pokémon related image that trumps this one by miles.

I would so rest my head on this monstrosity.

I suppose the main purpose of these guest blog posts are for others to examine the psyche of the titular Paulie. So that he may better understand how those around him perceive him? If we want to get analytical, and trust me, i am an expert at anal lies, then i suppose this image should divulge a lot of interesting information about our mutual friend.

The preceding paragraph was written over a week ago. Immediately after writing it, i examined the picture it was associated with and immediately went into convulsions and was rushed to the hospital. Paulie, i just want to know... what's this picture supposed to mean? Why? If you will pardon my Martin, i'll let loose my Luther and nail some grievances i have with this nonsense:

1. He's not even dead.

2. They're both trying too hard to be post - < insert any movement here >

3. What's with the image being cut up? Is it supposed to be art?

4. There is no such thing as love.

5. I imagine Paulie takes screenshots of things that are funny or ridiculous, but there is no punchline here. There is no visual gag, no pun, no witty observation on the meaningless purpose of being. I am simply confused and will carry on with this carrion no further.

Oh, I'll fix this image for you too, Paulie

My jaw is aching and i feel like it's going to crack and pop off it's hinges. I'm feeling uncomfortable and a little bit annoyed by the whole ordeal but i'll probably be fine.

False. This is false. I am not hot. Therefore not everybody is hot. Therefore this person is wrong.

A classic two panel comic. Panel 1 gives us Voldemort drinking some water, which is clearly disagreeable with David Hasselhoff. Panel 2 is just a more refined image of Hasselhoff's disgust-laden expression. I'm very pleased with this comic and would love to see it run in my school newspaper. We will contact your offices in the near future, Mr. Elliot.

Presumably a Facebook page? It looks like a j/o stone or something, but in this case it's a pee thing or ... hm... you know... You're either a pee fetishist or you're in trouble because when you say stuff like this, people might get the wrong idea. I imagine rounding up all these people and throwing them on an island, shouting, "You're a nation of weirdos and your innate personalities disturb and confuse the rest of the world"

Okay so what we got here are like some... olden tymes people with... pansies for... NEXT

A coworker actually walked by and explained what these images are. It's a BBC sitcom called "Peep Show" and it positions the camera as if everything is from your point of view. It's a little creepy and off putting at times... If you were viewing my daily life from my perspective, there'd be a lot of episodes that take place in a Taco Bell restroom with my dick in my hands/burrit-- ON TO THE LAST IMAGE

 Look at this dumb piece of farts. Look at his sweat. Next time you eat fruit, imagine their moisture not being from condensation, but from cold sweat. You'll thank me later.

 BO(A)NUS SCREENSHOT

Tumblr now shows up before Twitter in Paulie's Chrome thing. I am so scared. Paulie... please tell me you aren't moving blog services

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and that, i think we can all agree, is a beautiful, hilarious, triumphant and amazing end to this guest run of the screen shot posts.

NEXT WEEK i'm doing them again!

oh there's no fanfare

but a big big thank you to boanus and hailadies for writing and drawing and bringing some life and color and, fuckin, a skeleton with tits to my blog.

u r both so amazing