(i wrote this for the best teen on twitter, @NadjaIRL)
Are you a teen? Do you have shitty parents? Of course you fucking do! Here are some good subversive things to do that count as self care (at least some of them might) that you can do to piss them off and feel better about life.
Become A Hippie
look at these assholes
this is not just good for you, it's good for the shitty planet you've inherited from your shitty parents. try going crunchy (ie all natural) with the products you use. give up the weird chemicals and do weird shit like make face masks out of honey and yogurt and peaches. WHO KEEPS USING UP ALL THE PEACHES??? well, it's you. and they're on your goddamned face, MOM, because you care about the planet. (slam bedroom door)
Stop Drinking Milk
because most generations before ours have been so well brainwashed into thinking that we need to drink cow's milk that this just really pisses off parents and parent types of all sorts! we're neglecting our health! by not ingesting watered down and pasteurized to the point of non-nutrition liquid that's meant for an entirely different mammal! how dare we defy nature like that!!!!!
i stopped drinking cow's milk when i was fifteen, and boy did that piss my uncle off.
(as far as alt milk goes: they all taste good, but coconut or almond are probably best, since there's something weird going on with soy and hormones or something idk i don't listen v closely to my bf when he's ranting abt food (sorry chris))
Become A Vegetarian or Vegan
the latter's probably a bit too difficult for your average teen, but if you can manage, by all means start crying every time you see a piece of meat.
i was going to use something more on topic but i liked this with the glitter and the hearts
feminism is for everyone, especially you. read up on feminism and start educating those around you about what it really is. sexism is so insanely embedded in our society that the sheer magnitude of times you can point it out will surely get on someone's nerves eventually. but the bonus is: after a while, they'll probably start to understand it.
make them or buy them (etsy is full of $1 & $2 silk screened patches for all kinds of shit) you can go subtly hippie and cute or full fledged anarchy with the skulls and the angry, it's really up to you. put them on a jacket or your backpack or a reusable shopping bag (do teens use these? probably not. but you should if you are a person that buys things.)
in a similar vein: subversive knitting, subversive beadwork, subversive embroidery. no sane parent would stop their teen from developing a new skill and hobby that brings them joy, right?
Get Into Death Metal
this is nic cage and his son weston
no parent likes death metal. if you have a parent that likes death metal, you've probably hallucinated them. and, frankly, you've probably hallucinated your entire reality, just like that one episode of Buffy where she's in a psych ward and they're trying to convince her that her entire world of being The Slayer and all her friends and all the vampires are just an ongoing psychosis. but she really is The Slayer, there's no question about it. your death metal parents however? yeah… maybe see somebody about that.
Ask Permission To Get Piercings
ah, role models
they probably won't let you, but it'll sure as hell piss em off if you start badgering them all the time for a lip ring. this tactic is less about making you feel good and more about using your teen powers to be as annoying as possible. maybe it's a bit mean, but it's not as mean as, say, setting them on fire when they sleep, so i think you're good with this one.
an evolution of this tactic is, that once they've said no a billion times, just let them know that once you turn 18 you're getting literally every piercable thing pierced. you're sixteen now? let your crazy teenagerness smolder in your fervid, glassy eyes. and steady, under breath, pronounce--twooooo yeaaarrrssssss. sneak up on them in the living room as they flip through channel after channel of reality tv shows in the evening. TWOOOO YEEAAAARRSSSSS, MOM. TWOOO YEAARRRSSSSSS.
Get Into British Television, Start Using Brit Slang Constantly
just go for it. biros, 'the telly', fries are now chips and chips are now crisps, eat lollies and candy floss and bangers and mash. slang is annoying to all parents, but learning brit slang via watching british tv will give you some sense of another culture, (not "a sense OF culture", cause just cause it's british doesn't mean it's fancy) and enrich your understanding of the anglophone world.
a lot of british tv is, well, rather mature, so i don't have a lot of good recommendations besides maybe the mighty boosh and blackadder? my mind is totally blanking on anything else. but there's a lot of good shit on free hulu.
Dye Your Hair
fuck now i kinda want to do this
or cut it? or shave some off? parents hate all of this for truly mysterious reasons.
what? like you don't think of this every time the phrase 'YOLO' graces your screen
u ain't got anything to worry about, minor. you fucking go for it.