NOT
REALLY
But, I mean, I stopped taking my anti-depressants recently because they were fucking up my life (anxiety attacks that last 2+ hours? At least once a week? No thank you) and they've completely worn off just in time for the best time of year to feel lonely (Valentine's Day) and shitty about whatever relationship state you are or are not in.
So I'm back to my old self, who is a dude who likes doing shitty stuff, and I could blame my ex girlfriend (The Ex) for ruining my life, but really it's my fault so yeah whatever I slept with her again and then we had a really big fight in the morning and then I came home and ate some candy and did some chain smoking to make myself feel better, but it didn't really work that well because she still hates me and I still hate her for hating me even though I don't actually hate her, but still deep down kind of love her and want everything to be like it used to be I'M SORRY I HAVE FEELINGS GODDAMNIT.
Now I'm experiencing a sugar crash and I can't stop coughing and I have an angry text that I haven't replied to yet which is just like looooooooooming and loooooooooooooooooooming.
I might pay Adam to reply for me. I don't want to deal with this shit.
No, I mean, I'll do it, but I'm not going to like it.
I don't think any of this was worth it.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
on being a buried romantic with insomnia
So I have insomnia, and have for a while now. And last night, some time between when I went to bed (1 am) and when I finally fell asleep (6 am), I realised I sleep in the same position if I'm sleeping alone, or with someone else.
That is, the ideal position for me to fall asleep in is meant to include someone else.
Safe to say, that made me really melancholy.
Maybe it's an observation I should ignore because I made it while deliriously tired, but there's something there--the fact that I can only fall asleep in one exact position, that I've been sleeping this way for as long as I can remember. It seems to suggest irrefutably, to me, that we are not supposed to be alone.
You might disagree. That's okay. I know I'm a hopeless, really kind of tender and soppy romantic deep down (really really really deep down) when it comes to things like this. And sometimes it sounds stupid and I probably shouldn't bring it up . . .
And it was odd, lying there and thinking about how once, what seems like a very long time ago, I was in a serious relationship. For like four and a half years.
Usually, I don't want to ever go back to that.
But then there are times like this, when that's all I want.
This post is probably brought to you by the fact that I stopped taking one of my meds and am having moodswings again.
At any rate, it is valid, and Valentine's Day coming up is making this a shitty time to be aware of my own loneliness.
ALSO:
I can't seem to comment on bloggers blogs anymore. It just doesn't work for some reason. I will read and cherish EACH FUCKING COMMENT like nobody's business, but I won't be able to reply.
That is, the ideal position for me to fall asleep in is meant to include someone else.
Safe to say, that made me really melancholy.
Maybe it's an observation I should ignore because I made it while deliriously tired, but there's something there--the fact that I can only fall asleep in one exact position, that I've been sleeping this way for as long as I can remember. It seems to suggest irrefutably, to me, that we are not supposed to be alone.
You might disagree. That's okay. I know I'm a hopeless, really kind of tender and soppy romantic deep down (really really really deep down) when it comes to things like this. And sometimes it sounds stupid and I probably shouldn't bring it up . . .
And it was odd, lying there and thinking about how once, what seems like a very long time ago, I was in a serious relationship. For like four and a half years.
Usually, I don't want to ever go back to that.
But then there are times like this, when that's all I want.
This post is probably brought to you by the fact that I stopped taking one of my meds and am having moodswings again.
At any rate, it is valid, and Valentine's Day coming up is making this a shitty time to be aware of my own loneliness.
ALSO:
I can't seem to comment on bloggers blogs anymore. It just doesn't work for some reason. I will read and cherish EACH FUCKING COMMENT like nobody's business, but I won't be able to reply.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Paulie's Boring Post About Shit Like Dandruff and Starfucker
I'm pretty boring without substance abuse. That's why the blog's a ghost town. I have no stories.
So instead of interesting stories, here are some uninteresting facts about your creepy old friend.
1. I have dandruff
It is a nice thing to have. Nothing gets rid of it, so, you know, I just live with it.
2. I haven't had coffee in like a month.
Just don't feel like drinking coffee I guess.
3. I hit myself in the head with a ladder the other day.
Not very hard at all. But it happened. And it was funny because I was trying to have a serious conversation with my housemate and then, yeah, ladder to the face.
4. Oh right, I moved.
My friend Adam and I are living together. The apartment is nice. It has a bathtub, which I have definitely broken in in at least two ways. I haven't had sex in it yet, though, and once that happens it'll be broken in all the way and it will also be my territory. Like I will own it in some kind of magical way.
Adam's definitely not going to have sex in it. Not before me.
Goddamit.
Now we're competing and he doesn't even know about it.
If I don't tell him, though, he won't try to win.
Okay. Good plan.
5. Facts about Adam:
I realise you guys don't really know who this guy is. WELL WELL:
a: he's 27, like I am. He is tall and has dark hair and is pretty good looking, but straight. He isn't comfortable with me making jokes about how we are gay together. It's really funny, but he doesn't think so yet. He will. One day. Either that, or he'll kill me.
b: he has a really hot younger sister. But she's had the same boyfriend since she was like 16 and is religious and so, you know, that's a lost cause. Also remember how I'm supposed to leave my friends' younger siblings alone? Remember Abigail? HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT HER. Fucking hell that was a rough time of my life I tell you what.
c: he's a foodie. He goes between being vegan to eating whole foods, to living off of hamburgers for weeks. Basically we are food soulmates. Because I do the same kind of shit. So we've been here about a week and so far the kitchen is always full of something good to eat. It's excellent.
d: he's a more normal guy than I am. Which means that he plays video games sometimes.
e: he used to be a Christian, but now he's a Buddhist.
f: he really, really likes racoons.
g: he works at an after-school program for kids doing . . . something. I don't know what he does with the kids. I don't know what anyone does with kids. Probably makes them read shit. Like books.
h: he didn't know I was bi and, while of course he's okay with it, he told me he has no idea how I do it because "penises are so, so, so gross. Oh my god, I can't even think about it."
It was funny, but also kind of sad. For the penises.
(you are handsome body parts. don't let anybody tell you otherwise)
6. The most recent album I bought was Starfucker's "Reptilians"
And I hate myself for waiting this long to get it because listening to it is THE CLOSEST THING to an eargasm ever.
Holy.
Fuck.
This album is fucking excellent. And really sexy. And it makes me want a boyfriend so much that I can't listen to it sometimes.
Which is weird.
But I still listen to it.
Then I get kind of sad, thinking about lovely boys . . .
But then, I'm listening to Reptilians, and I love it, and am kind of happy anyway.
7. Yeah, so I dated a coworker for a while, and then we broke up.
I was having a rough time with my mental health and was having lots of anxiety attacks which would ruin our dates and shit, and she didn't want a boyfriend who was "kinda weird".
It was a bit hurtful.
We're on good terms now. That was kind of an assholey thing for her to do, but . . . I'm being civil, I guess. I mean, I have to, because we work together.
8. So I'm taking a break from women.
That's what I'm telling myself, at least.
And you're like, "oh, well, Paulie, it's not like the ladies are throwing themselves at you" and I'm like "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK."
Naw, but there are always stupid people bothering me about, like, "we should hang out" and blah blah blah . . .
9. Rachel just left to spend about three weeks in Idaho.
She has a cousin there who's getting married. I don't know why she's staying for three weeks, but . . .
Anyway, she is evidently still interested in me? We hung out about a week ago and . . . it was weird at points and some things kind of happened but anyway.
Our relationship is always going to be a bit weird.
We'll probably be friends for a very, very long time, and always have weird shit happening, but I don't think we'll ever actually have sex.
And this is a good place to stop this post.
So instead of interesting stories, here are some uninteresting facts about your creepy old friend.
1. I have dandruff
It is a nice thing to have. Nothing gets rid of it, so, you know, I just live with it.
2. I haven't had coffee in like a month.
Just don't feel like drinking coffee I guess.
3. I hit myself in the head with a ladder the other day.
Not very hard at all. But it happened. And it was funny because I was trying to have a serious conversation with my housemate and then, yeah, ladder to the face.
4. Oh right, I moved.
My friend Adam and I are living together. The apartment is nice. It has a bathtub, which I have definitely broken in in at least two ways. I haven't had sex in it yet, though, and once that happens it'll be broken in all the way and it will also be my territory. Like I will own it in some kind of magical way.
Adam's definitely not going to have sex in it. Not before me.
Goddamit.
Now we're competing and he doesn't even know about it.
If I don't tell him, though, he won't try to win.
Okay. Good plan.
5. Facts about Adam:
I realise you guys don't really know who this guy is. WELL WELL:
a: he's 27, like I am. He is tall and has dark hair and is pretty good looking, but straight. He isn't comfortable with me making jokes about how we are gay together. It's really funny, but he doesn't think so yet. He will. One day. Either that, or he'll kill me.
b: he has a really hot younger sister. But she's had the same boyfriend since she was like 16 and is religious and so, you know, that's a lost cause. Also remember how I'm supposed to leave my friends' younger siblings alone? Remember Abigail? HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT HER. Fucking hell that was a rough time of my life I tell you what.
c: he's a foodie. He goes between being vegan to eating whole foods, to living off of hamburgers for weeks. Basically we are food soulmates. Because I do the same kind of shit. So we've been here about a week and so far the kitchen is always full of something good to eat. It's excellent.
d: he's a more normal guy than I am. Which means that he plays video games sometimes.
e: he used to be a Christian, but now he's a Buddhist.
f: he really, really likes racoons.
g: he works at an after-school program for kids doing . . . something. I don't know what he does with the kids. I don't know what anyone does with kids. Probably makes them read shit. Like books.
h: he didn't know I was bi and, while of course he's okay with it, he told me he has no idea how I do it because "penises are so, so, so gross. Oh my god, I can't even think about it."
It was funny, but also kind of sad. For the penises.
(you are handsome body parts. don't let anybody tell you otherwise)
6. The most recent album I bought was Starfucker's "Reptilians"
And I hate myself for waiting this long to get it because listening to it is THE CLOSEST THING to an eargasm ever.
Holy.
Fuck.
This album is fucking excellent. And really sexy. And it makes me want a boyfriend so much that I can't listen to it sometimes.
Which is weird.
But I still listen to it.
Then I get kind of sad, thinking about lovely boys . . .
But then, I'm listening to Reptilians, and I love it, and am kind of happy anyway.
7. Yeah, so I dated a coworker for a while, and then we broke up.
I was having a rough time with my mental health and was having lots of anxiety attacks which would ruin our dates and shit, and she didn't want a boyfriend who was "kinda weird".
It was a bit hurtful.
We're on good terms now. That was kind of an assholey thing for her to do, but . . . I'm being civil, I guess. I mean, I have to, because we work together.
8. So I'm taking a break from women.
That's what I'm telling myself, at least.
And you're like, "oh, well, Paulie, it's not like the ladies are throwing themselves at you" and I'm like "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK."
Naw, but there are always stupid people bothering me about, like, "we should hang out" and blah blah blah . . .
9. Rachel just left to spend about three weeks in Idaho.
She has a cousin there who's getting married. I don't know why she's staying for three weeks, but . . .
Anyway, she is evidently still interested in me? We hung out about a week ago and . . . it was weird at points and some things kind of happened but anyway.
Our relationship is always going to be a bit weird.
We'll probably be friends for a very, very long time, and always have weird shit happening, but I don't think we'll ever actually have sex.
And this is a good place to stop this post.
an abandoned post from October, 2011
Wandering around a store the other day, saw the Halloween section. And you know, they have those shitty costumes out now. One of them was called . . . "Fantastical Alice" or something, and all I could think was, "what's so fantastical about that Alice? That she can deep throat? cause that's all that outfit's saying to me right now."
I realise this could be offensive.
But I mean really now.
I realise this could be offensive.
But I mean really now.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
fill in the blank with "fuck" : A LOVE LETTER
Dear fuck,
I fuck you. You have a nice fuck. You make me fuck. You
should fuck. Someday I will fuck. You + me = fuck.
If I saw you now I’d fuck. I want to fuck you. I
would build a fuck just for you. If I could sing you any song it would be fuck.
We could fuck under the stars.
Love,
fuck
(P.S. fuuuuuuck.)
This is kind of romantic, right?
Friday, January 20, 2012
Paulie tries to the best of his abilities to recount an article about the top ten sex records in the world
I was a little bit high when I read this article last night. Let's see what I remember.
I will try not to bring personal info into this list. I will try really really hard.
1. Biggest Dick
Okay, so it seems like the biggest one on record is 14.5" and the largest living one--or, I guess, the largest one on someone who is alive--is 13.5".
Right. So. That's, like, really big. 13 and a half inches isn't a lot of inches when you're talking about most things, like trees or children or whatever, but you get out your ruler and then really think about that.
Shit
Is
Ridiculous
At that point, it really is an extra limb. It's not a joke, and it can hurt you.
2. Biggest Vagina
I don't know what this one means.
Okay, but. Listen. There was something about a 26 pound baby and its skull, and the vagina was 19"? I guess that means around? Circumference? Like . . . I don't know what it was talking about.
It was on a giant(ess), who was like 7 feet tall, and, to be honest, I feel like that's cheating. I mean, kudos to her, but obviously you are going to win. Because you are a giant.
3. Strongest Vagina
This is frightening, but some lady can lift like thirty something pounds with her vagina.
This also means that she can probably turn your cock into pâté.
4. Longest Masturbating Session (male)
I feel like it's kind of obvious that this one's from Japan. What other country would hold an annual Jerk-Off-A-Thon [not its real name] so people can try to break this record?
Anyway so some dude thought about baseball for a little over 9 and a half hours.
I don't like thinking about that.
5. The Most Sexual Relations In One Day (or something like that)
This one lady at this orgy thing had sex with 910 men, I think, in a day. Or 24 hours or something.
My record is 3.
Moving on.
6. Biggest Orgy
500 people. Obviously Japan's doing. They organise these sorts of things all the time???
7. The Jizz Race
I couldn't think of the official title of this record, so I came up with one on my own. But some guy evidently can ejaculate a distance of EIGHTEEN FEET.
I know, you thought that one time a few years ago was really impressive, and then some asshole is like "Oh, yeah, 18 feet? NBD."
The same guy also holds the record for the fastest jizz shooting (what are the official terms for this?!), which is 47 mph.
At this point, you give up any hope of being a side show in a really disturbing kind of circus and face the fact that your jizz is going to get you nowhere in life.
8. Something about a gang bang?
I can't remember this one.
9. Something about babies?
hmmmm... yeah...
10. Oldest Dad
90 years old.
Ew?
THAT'S IT TA-DAH!
I will try not to bring personal info into this list. I will try really really hard.
1. Biggest Dick
Okay, so it seems like the biggest one on record is 14.5" and the largest living one--or, I guess, the largest one on someone who is alive--is 13.5".
Right. So. That's, like, really big. 13 and a half inches isn't a lot of inches when you're talking about most things, like trees or children or whatever, but you get out your ruler and then really think about that.
Shit
Is
Ridiculous
At that point, it really is an extra limb. It's not a joke, and it can hurt you.
2. Biggest Vagina
I don't know what this one means.
Okay, but. Listen. There was something about a 26 pound baby and its skull, and the vagina was 19"? I guess that means around? Circumference? Like . . . I don't know what it was talking about.
It was on a giant(ess), who was like 7 feet tall, and, to be honest, I feel like that's cheating. I mean, kudos to her, but obviously you are going to win. Because you are a giant.
3. Strongest Vagina
This is frightening, but some lady can lift like thirty something pounds with her vagina.
This also means that she can probably turn your cock into pâté.
4. Longest Masturbating Session (male)
I feel like it's kind of obvious that this one's from Japan. What other country would hold an annual Jerk-Off-A-Thon [not its real name] so people can try to break this record?
Anyway so some dude thought about baseball for a little over 9 and a half hours.
I don't like thinking about that.
5. The Most Sexual Relations In One Day (or something like that)
This one lady at this orgy thing had sex with 910 men, I think, in a day. Or 24 hours or something.
My record is 3.
Moving on.
6. Biggest Orgy
500 people. Obviously Japan's doing. They organise these sorts of things all the time???
7. The Jizz Race
I couldn't think of the official title of this record, so I came up with one on my own. But some guy evidently can ejaculate a distance of EIGHTEEN FEET.
I know, you thought that one time a few years ago was really impressive, and then some asshole is like "Oh, yeah, 18 feet? NBD."
The same guy also holds the record for the fastest jizz shooting (what are the official terms for this?!), which is 47 mph.
At this point, you give up any hope of being a side show in a really disturbing kind of circus and face the fact that your jizz is going to get you nowhere in life.
8. Something about a gang bang?
I can't remember this one.
9. Something about babies?
hmmmm... yeah...
10. Oldest Dad
90 years old.
Ew?
THAT'S IT TA-DAH!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
yesssssssssssss
from Street Peeper
I don't blog about fashion or clothes because I'm too lazy to.
BUT THEN THIS -- fuuuuuuuuck, there's something so great about that Rottweiler Givenchy sweater. And the holey jeans. And the white collared shirt. And the leather arms! LEATHER ARMS!
I think I have to get someone to switch out the arms on my peacoat with a pair from one of my many, many leather jackets.
Maybe the one with all the studs . . . TOO MUCH?
NO SUCH THING.
I forget that you have no idea that I usually look like I got dressed by an insane or blind person. My fashion is anywhere from "gay lumberjack" to "goth detective", "mgmt" to "mod punk", sprinkled usually with "yes I stole this jewelery from my ex girlfriend".
I dunno. Anyway. I look like a fucking maniac. I'd wear that outfit. Just so damn classy.
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